There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

I keep trying to repeat that quote over and over to ease my mind. Every night, I've woken myself up fearing that I will die during my surgery. When I wake up, my mind wanders and I become obsessive. Sometimes I walk around the house just to take my mind off of the surgery. Other times, I lay awake watching John sleep or thinking about what he would do if I was gone. I have tried to stop myself from taking xanax every night to fall asleep (and stay asleep) but I'm beginning to think that I should take it, because Shayna without sleep is NOT a good thing. Plus all of the obsessing has my anxiety level growing out of control.

Last weekend, I hosted a baby shower for my sister, Rachel with some of her friends. When I looked at the pictures upon my return home, I was disgusted with the way I look. I didn't even post any of the "full body" shots of myself because it's so embarassing to me. I can't believe I let myself get to this point. Even though I have lost weight since my initial consultation, I've realized that immediate gratification (visually) after the surgery will not occur. It's probably going to take months to notice any changes and longer for others to notice.

I know that having the surgery alone is not going to reverse my obesity, it's a combination of diet, exercise and lifestyle change. I know I feel ready mentally but am afraid I will become frustrated because this will be a long process.