Feeling good.

Today, I had a doctor's appointment with my GP. I let him know that my surgery was going to be on October 31st and he was pleasantly surprised. I think he, like others, thought this was just another one of my phases. I've been going to him for a good 4 years and he's helped diagnose some of the health conditions that are now considered co-morbidities. First the polycyscic ovary syndrome (PCOS)and post recently asthma. Although he thinks my asthma had been misdiagnosed as allergies for years, it's a weird thing to hear that two things could cause my death. I know that we all die sometime, but I have always had an intense fear of death.

I remember going into my mom's room in the middle of the night as a teenager and telling her that I had a dream about dying. She'd tell me to think of happy thoughts and that usually worked. When I think about death now, it's not as scary; but thinking that my weight could contribute to my untimely death scares the shit out of me. For years my parents and sister tried to get me to do something about my weight, I just didn't want to listen.

For five years I have been married to an incredible man. John truly completes me and I really believe we are soulmates. Those of you who have seen me recently know that I have gained a significant amount of weight since our 2003 nuptials. In the time we've been together, John's never once said anything about my weight. Maybe a comment here and there about ice cream or eating too many cookies, but never once did he use the "f" word. In June, we had our "when are we going to have kids" conversation for the 4000 time. The truth is, I've never felt ready. My parents divorce was so detrimental on my view of parenthood and marriage, I wasn't sure I could ever be a mother. In my controlling way, I wasn't sure that I could have a child, not knowing what could happen 5-10 years down the road. I know my parents are better off now, but I think about the hurt I went through when they got divorced and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Ever.

For so many years, I have used my weight as a defense mechanism. I finally feel ready to drop that defense and move forward. It's so weird to have a clear view of what I want now, when the last 15 years have been so blurry.

I know the next few months and years aren't going to be easy but I am SO ready to commit to my health.