All dressed up and nowhere to go.

Well, I got a call today from the surgery center indicating that there had been a mishap with the scheduling for tomorrow. I could either come in and go to another surgeon or wait until next Friday and go to the doctor I've met with already.

After much thought and several tears (because I was already partaking in my liquid diet) I decided to wait another week because I love my surgeon and know that he's got a great reputation in the Kansas City area.

It's very frustrating but, I'd rather feel confident with my surgeon than be more anxious then I already am.

So, now I've got 8 more days.

Four days and counting

Last weekend was kind of my "goodbye to favorites party. On Friday night I picked up Pei Wei as well as my last piece of cheesecake, Saturday I didn't really go overboard but yesterday I had La Mesa. It was good to have one last hurrah, but I am ready to move forward.

This week should be interesting. I am supposed to be watching my calorie intake and on Wednesday and Thursday consume liquids only. Ahhh!!! I can't believe I only have four more days.

Also over the weekend, I went and bought everything the surgery center recommends in regards to liquids. For two days following the surgery, I can only consume clear liquids. On day three, I switch to full liquids for two weeks. During week three, I switch to a mechanical soft diet and week five I advance to regular food. That means that by Thanksgiving, I can have mashed potatoes! Yay!

I am so excited for this journey and am so glad I have made this decision.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

I keep trying to repeat that quote over and over to ease my mind. Every night, I've woken myself up fearing that I will die during my surgery. When I wake up, my mind wanders and I become obsessive. Sometimes I walk around the house just to take my mind off of the surgery. Other times, I lay awake watching John sleep or thinking about what he would do if I was gone. I have tried to stop myself from taking xanax every night to fall asleep (and stay asleep) but I'm beginning to think that I should take it, because Shayna without sleep is NOT a good thing. Plus all of the obsessing has my anxiety level growing out of control.

Last weekend, I hosted a baby shower for my sister, Rachel with some of her friends. When I looked at the pictures upon my return home, I was disgusted with the way I look. I didn't even post any of the "full body" shots of myself because it's so embarassing to me. I can't believe I let myself get to this point. Even though I have lost weight since my initial consultation, I've realized that immediate gratification (visually) after the surgery will not occur. It's probably going to take months to notice any changes and longer for others to notice.

I know that having the surgery alone is not going to reverse my obesity, it's a combination of diet, exercise and lifestyle change. I know I feel ready mentally but am afraid I will become frustrated because this will be a long process.

A weight off of my shoulders.

Since I started telling people about the upcoming surgery, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. As some of you know, I am not one for keeping secrets, so it's been hard not to share the information about something that is occupying so much of my mind right now. I've received so many positive words of encouragement it just confirms that I am doing the right thing by making this huge decision!

In other news, since deciding to have the Lap Band surgery, I have lost 5lbs. It may not sound too amazing but I know I am headed in the right direction. Two of my best friends emailed me saying "you should eat all of your Halloween candy now", and for some reason, I just don't feel the urge to binge eat. My coworker Beth told me that before her stepdaughter had the surgery she ate and ate. Maybe this is my subconscious accepting the decision and allowing me to finally say no. Don't get me wrong, I will definitely partake in consuming some of my favorite meals before d-day but I have no desire to over eat.

I found a picture from my good friend, Sara's wedding that I am using as my "encouragement" photo. Before her wedding I had lost close to 100lbs and I look so happy and healthy. I can't wait to look that good and FEEL that good again!!!

Look out world, here comes Slim Shay D.

Feeling good.

Today, I had a doctor's appointment with my GP. I let him know that my surgery was going to be on October 31st and he was pleasantly surprised. I think he, like others, thought this was just another one of my phases. I've been going to him for a good 4 years and he's helped diagnose some of the health conditions that are now considered co-morbidities. First the polycyscic ovary syndrome (PCOS)and post recently asthma. Although he thinks my asthma had been misdiagnosed as allergies for years, it's a weird thing to hear that two things could cause my death. I know that we all die sometime, but I have always had an intense fear of death.

I remember going into my mom's room in the middle of the night as a teenager and telling her that I had a dream about dying. She'd tell me to think of happy thoughts and that usually worked. When I think about death now, it's not as scary; but thinking that my weight could contribute to my untimely death scares the shit out of me. For years my parents and sister tried to get me to do something about my weight, I just didn't want to listen.

For five years I have been married to an incredible man. John truly completes me and I really believe we are soulmates. Those of you who have seen me recently know that I have gained a significant amount of weight since our 2003 nuptials. In the time we've been together, John's never once said anything about my weight. Maybe a comment here and there about ice cream or eating too many cookies, but never once did he use the "f" word. In June, we had our "when are we going to have kids" conversation for the 4000 time. The truth is, I've never felt ready. My parents divorce was so detrimental on my view of parenthood and marriage, I wasn't sure I could ever be a mother. In my controlling way, I wasn't sure that I could have a child, not knowing what could happen 5-10 years down the road. I know my parents are better off now, but I think about the hurt I went through when they got divorced and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Ever.

For so many years, I have used my weight as a defense mechanism. I finally feel ready to drop that defense and move forward. It's so weird to have a clear view of what I want now, when the last 15 years have been so blurry.

I know the next few months and years aren't going to be easy but I am SO ready to commit to my health.

Here we go again!

I feel like I've started this process numerous times before.

After numerous failed attempts and a "can't do" attitude, I finally feel ready. Ready to change my life. Ready to be healthier. Ready to have the life I deserve.

In July, I began researching the Lap Band surgery. It's a procedure I've heard so much about in the past but never really considered it an option. Perhaps it was seeing the words "morbidly obese" on a Body Mass Index test. Or maybe it's that I really want to have kids and I know that my body is not nearly close to being in shape for a family. Something changed the day I went to my first Lap Band surgery seminar. For the first time in my life, I knew this was something I could do and more importantly I wanted to do for MYSELF.

I've been overweight since the 5th grade. At that time I just thought I was cool because I developed early and lots of boys were paying attention to me. As I got older, weight became more of an obstacle than anything else. My love for dance became embarassing because of the amount of sweating I did. Running made me dizzy. I could come up with a million excuses for exercise I haven't done over the years. All of my excuses stop now.

The Lap Band not the final solution. It's a tool to help me overcome the obstacle which has taken over my life.

I can't wait to be healthier! For the first time ever, I feel like I am in control of my body and I couldn't be happier.